Last season on Melrose Place…with entire show spoilers

Shit was boring. I mean really, really boring. Then Amanda showed up and merriment spread throughout the land! So what happened?

Alison’s roomie ditched her in the dead of night leaving her to contend with Billy who proceeded to suck the joy out of every scene he was in. Then Alison took up with Kreepy Keith, who was married and quite possible set Alison up to be carjacked so he could lure her to Seattle. Alison came back for Billy’s dad’s funeral and ends up having sex with Billy (but not at the funeral.) Alison decides to stay in CA and Kreey Keith comes down to stalk her.

Sandy and Jake had a thing. They tried to have another thing. It failed miserably. She was stalked by a wannabe florist and then got a job on a soap in New York.

Rhonda’s sole purpose seemed to be the utterance of trite, sassy “you go, boy"isms, in a desperate attempt to get Dead Gay Matt laid. It failed miserably. She took up with a restaurant owner, got engaged, cancelled the engagement, and then proposed to him. (sadly, this did not all happen on the same day.)

Jake got his GED and then worked at a bike shop. Then the shop was foreclosed and Jake bought it using the settlement Jo’s ex paid out. Then his ex told him she had AIDS.

Jo ran away from her abusive ex and he was totally Coop. I’m serious. It’s the same guy. She got cash from him to fund Jake’s Bikes. Then they had to take and HIV test together, which strengthened their romance until Jake found out Jo hadn’t ditched her gun.

Before Matt was dead, he was gay. He got beaten u for this. Then he lost his job. His family wasn’t very supportive when he decided to sue. He got his job back and as a social worker randomly popped up and said supportive things to people.

Jane designed some really ugly clothes while being married to Michael. He cheated on her, but not because she was a terrible designer. Jane was regnant and lost the fetus. (Don’t you love that phrase? Makes me think of the Fetus Princess from Adventure Time.)

Michael cheated on Jane with Kimberly who is awesome. Michael started off as a loving husband but quickly lost his sense of empathy for both Kimberly and Jane.

Amanda became Alison’s boss before stupid Billy got in the way and impregnated Amanda. It turned out to be a tubal pregnancy 

and…Billy sadly exists. He and Alison had sex and then Amanda discovered she was pregnant. Billy wanted to be a part of his kid’s life and Alison resented that because she is horrible. Kreepy Keith then discovered Alison and Billy’s closeness and hit Billy in the head with a tire iron.

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